My biggest pet peeve, besides the sound of my dishwasher running, is when people claim that they are "brutally honest". I've always thought that claiming "brutal honesty", "telling it how it is", and "being a really blunt person" were just thinly veiled, more pallatable ways of saying that you were rude. I've always considered it a huge red flag (especially if you advertise it on a t-shirt).
That is, until I read Words Don't Mean What They Mean. And I started thinking... I do value honesty. I do appreciate when people tell me the truth, and I'd like to think that I would rather hear a hard truth than an easy lie. So then why does it bother me when people are actually honest?
The answer lies in the other purpose of speech: to signal, without actually writing it on your forehead, that you are an active, participating, social member of society who abides by and acknowledges the etiquette and customs. It is the metaphorical equivalent of waving a flag that says "I'm a good person I promise! I even thank people who wait with their foot in the door for me to catch up in public spaces!". Thus, when someone is openly defiant of this -- when they say what they mean and mean what they say, however brutal, they are refusing to wave the flag. And that is what appalls us. Although our pleases and thank-yous are thrown around so often they've perhaps lost all meaning, the idea of not muttering "thanks" as we walk past a door held open is egregious.
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| (A visual representation of "holding the door open with your foot". Am I the only one who does this? I use the tips of my fingers and my foot to hold doors open for people...) |
I'm not saying it bothers me any less now, nor am I saying brutal honesty should ever be an excuse for plain rudeness (and I still think it often is). But perhaps what irks us about those who "tell it how it is" is not what they are saying, but rather the notion that they are defying the preconceived conception of how we should act in public.
I completely agree with you, Deepti. People tend to use “I’m brutally honest” as an excuse to say what they want without regard for people’s boundaries. It is important to communicate honestly and efficiently with people, but it is also necessary to communicate respectfully with others.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I would rather like to hear brutally honest opinions from others but sometimes the way they present these opinions and their tone can falter my preference of such comments.
ReplyDeleteDeepti, I agree with your position here. Sometimes, hearing an honest truth is better than a puff piece in its place. That fake tone gets on my last nerve. But, sometimes the harsh truth can be presented in an even harsher way. That can cause serious damage. So maybe polite, yet honest, is what we all need.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you explained brutal honesty was an act of defiance against social standards. It’s definitely a common excuse that people use simply to voice their rude thoughts. I also really liked your picture of the the shirt I thought it gave your post a more joking tone, which made your post fun to read.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your metaphor about how following the societal expectations of etiquette was like waving a flag; that was really cool, and I kind of act like that sometimes too. I also feel like honesty is necessary in our society, but I also feel like when people give the blunt, unfiltered truth, they're purposefully trying to hurt the other person. Language can affect people in many ways, so I feel like people should be kind while being honest at the same time.
ReplyDeleteHey Deepti, I really liked your post and likening brutal honesty to being a mask for rudeness made me think. But after reviewing, I don't completely agree that in all situations it can be used negatively. Being blunt doesn't always mean rude; it's more being straightforward, which sometimes comes off as rude only because we have societal expectations of how speech should sound. For example, if I wasn't a blunt person, I would say "that presentation looks really nice" when certain things could've been changed to help you. Not that it wasn't good, but it could be better. A blunt person would tell the complete truth which doesn't have to be rude. They could say "Being brutally honest, it's great but this one slide here throws off your flow, I would recommended reviewing that." That's still brutal honesty and it isn't rude; its helpful. I think the rudeness you are likening to blunt and straightforward people is simply a trend that correlates with their blunt personality, but being rude or polite is simply a choice, no matter what you say.
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